Moo juice: A Student's Best Friend. A Practical Post for Once.

So you don't get the impression that I'm some kind of over-thinking impractical man, I'll show you something practical, something very practical indeed.
Mandatory rhetorical questions:

• Do you feel like a latté, milkshake or a dreamy vanilla flavoured drink?
• can you not be bothered going to the shop and buying those things?
• Do you not indulge yourself because you like to tighten the belt on your wallet?
• Do you not indulge yourself because you like to tighten your own belt?

well here's the solution:
M I L K.

milk in all it's dream-like glory

Yes, wonderful isn't it! What's that? you don't like milk?

Not to worry! this works just as well with coca-cola and own brand 20p lemonade! :D
It really does! try it, go on... : )

You can put anything in milk as long as it isn't;
a) acidic
b) non-soluble
c) made with flower

I've tried all those so you don't have to! How do you put anything with flower into milk? I hear you not asking.
Well, at some point in my past I tried to make the perfect winter warmer based on my favourite milk drink; hot vanilla and nutmeg chocolate. I put in all the things that made me feel warm inside; sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, chilli, rich tea biscuit...
It was this last one that didn't quite work. Even chilli goes well with milk (in moderation) but cookies, not so much. It didn't quite dissolve as I had hoped it would and I ended up with bits of flavourless mush floating around. The bits were microscopic, but it still felt like I was drinking the contents of the sink.
Anyway, I'll show you the basics for making hot and cold drinks. Remember; any milk drink is delicious served both hot and cold, but only some can be made hot. Never fear, for there's this magical property of hot drinks; they cool down.

Hot stuff

For the purposes of my personal piece of mind, Remember that I don't take responsibility for your stupidity. If you're not responsible enough to use a cooker get someone who is. If you did something stupid because your friends made you do it, you need new friends.

We are gonna make coffee milk!

For this recipe you will probably need;

1. milk
   semi skimmed, full fat, soya, it all works.
2. sugar
   or honey, or saccharin sweetener if you like petroleum derived food, or no sweetener at all, up to you.
3. coffee
   soluble coffee works the best. if it isn't soluble, you'll have to strain the drink afterwards, duh.
4. a microwave or a cooker and saucepan. If you're really stumped just use a mug and a candle. On second thoughts;
   you  probably shouldn't.
5. microwavable utensil 
   You should know by now what's microwavable and what isn't. I used a glass but I wouldn't recommend this because it's very hot and you will probably drop it taking it out. I did.

Ready? no because you're only reading this and you're not going to actually do it? good! let's go!

Method:
if you are using a stove skip to the end of this method. you get special instructions.

1. Pour half a glass of milk
Self explanatory. Pour half of what you will make into a microwavable utensil.
 Make sure it isn't metal.

2. Set the microwave to 2 minutes

if you have a 750 watt microwave. Like me. This is about how much you need to heat milk before it boils. If your microwave is "powerfuller" use less time. Simple. Anything around 1 minute 30 should do the job for your NR-71 gamma ray food de-atomiser. 

4. Cover the utensil and put it in
Make sure you cover  it with a non-metallic and non-plastic object that won't fall off. Plates are ideal.
As you can see, I didn't. I did this so you can all see what happens if you don't. Now you have seen, Don't do it.
Good.

5. Add your coffee
you only need 1 teaspoon per 250ml.
At this point you also add the sugar and spices and anything else you want in your coffee. Nutmeg is good, as is vanilla and cinnamon. Don't over-do it though. Spices shouldn't exceed half a teaspoon each. Vanilla only takes 1-3 drops if it's in concentrate form.

Want to make a genuine hot chocolate?

then at this point rather than (or as well as) adding coffee, you can also add in your favourite chocolate! those pathetic "fun size" versions of chocolate bars are perfect for this because just one should be enough. Remember though, anything works except something with whole nuts or raisins in it. It must be soluble! That's right, any type of chocolate. They won't mix anything acidic or floury into chocolate bars because chocolate has milk in it, duh.
But do beware of wafer.
Stir it well but don't worry if it doesn't completely dissolve because it won't. this is what step 6 is for.

6. Re-heat

Once your stuff has been dissolved, it's time to put it back in for a minute and a half (1 minute if you have a type 5 domestic nuclear kitchen reactor)
Remember to cover
Also remember to let it sit for a minute afterwards while the falloff evaporates through the roof vents.

7. Add rest of milk

Remember when you only put half the milk in? well now you put the other half in.
stir it well and enjoy it warm. If it's too cold for your fiery palette, cover it and re-heat it again for 30 seconds.

Aaand....

You're done!

Isn't it dreamy?

Steps 2-7 for old fashioned people and the poorest of students
1. add your milk to a saucepan
set it on high heat, then just as it starts boiling let it simmer.

2. add coffee
you need about a teaspoon per 250 ml. Add more if you made more. Trust your judgement and taste every now and then but be careful not to burn yourself. Add other ingredients as in step 5 for normal people

3. gently simmer and stir

enjoy the aromas emanating from your dastardly concoction

4. Serve

pouring from a pan is always a messy business so I would suggest a ladel. If this is too exotic for your kitchen use a cup.

Cold as Ice

Some ingredients dissolve quite happily in milk without the need to heat them. Here's a list of some of them

• sugar
• vanilla essence
• coconut milk
• concentrate strawberry juice/syrup (one of the few fruit juices that work with milk, will make yoghurt)
• concentrate cherry juice/syrup (another one that works with milk; beware, this will also make your milk thick like yoghurt)
• strawberry essence (it isn't actually strawberry, which is why it won't make your milk yoghurty)

The essentials for a delicious vanilla milshka

30 second sweet vanilla milk

1. open a fresh bottle of milk

1 litre or 2 litre.bottle of milk will do

2. add sugar and vanilla essence (or strawberry)

add about 5-8 drops of essence, then fold a sheet of paper in half to make a V shaped funnel to put about 3 tablespoons of sugar into it (twice all these for a 2 litre bottle)

3. close and shake

I can't stress how important it is to make sure the lid is as secure as possible before doing this.

finished! chug it at your pleasure.